the end.

At my appointment last week the surgeon said that I could go back to life the way it was pre-surgery. Other than wearing underwired bra for another week or so I could do anything! I can't believe how quickly I got here. Healed and back at life as though nothing has happened. It has been a really interesting time. Since I am all healed up there is no point in keeping this journal going. The only thing that will change over the next year is the shape and form of my breasts. so, i figure before I stop updating this I could just leave you with a few final thoughts.

- If you are thinking about a breast reduction surgery and you have stumbled on this page, I am glad that you are doing research and I would encourage you to keep doing this. Research is what helps the most in making a decision.

- I picked Dr. Sean Rice and would recommend him to anyone. Make sure you see more than just one surgeon so you can make a decision based on who you are most comfortable with.

- Have realistic expectations. Smaller breasts has not made me a different person, I don't even look THAT different - People (including myself) are already forgetting what I used to look like and know that the way I look now looks like the way I am supposed to look, I look proportional. If anything aim to look proportional. I would have loved to be a size B or a C but ultimately they would not have looked as natural and proportional as they do now (they're a DD / E depending on the bra).

- When you are having your surgery make sure that you have someone to take care of you the first three days at least. You will be at your weakest then; five days would be even better.

- I can now see the scars on my breasts. I am being honest when I say they are not bad at all. I can barely see the scars around my nipples just the ones going down in a vertical line from the nipples to the bottom of the breast. They are red right now and I am positive they will fade away but even if they don't it's not a big deal because they're quite subtle to begin with (more subtle than I thought they'd be).

- If you have any questions about my experience leave me a comment (I get email notifications) and I will reply back :).

It has been a great experience, one of the best decisions I have made so far. If you are even considering a breast reduction go talk to your general physician or doctor, they really help out quite a bit too.

That is it then! To my friends: ladies, thanks for the encouragement, thanks for visiting me and bringing me large stuffed breasts :), for watching movies with me, lending my magazines and giving me company. To my mom and my sister, I would not have been able to do it without you guys taking such amazing care of me. Love you!

Goodbye everyone.

I just want to say...

That I freakin love my boobs.

That is all.

happy one month girls!

The girls are a month old today. WOOHOOO!
I am feeling real good about them. The swelling has gone down quite a bit, the size and form is starting to settle in and there is no pain (except for some random shooting pains every now and then which are quite bearable). The stitches have dissolved for the most part, although not so much around the nipple. I can see the scarring now and it doesn't look bad, although it is quite obvious. I am researching Vitamin E for that. I've heard that it's good but someone else said that it's not really. So I am going to ask Dr. Rice on Monday.

They look so good. So proportional to the rest of my body. :). I like it. And my neck and shoulders feel better already! It's awesome.

Two more weeks till I can start wearing normal bras. I can't wait to go bra shopping! I also can't wait to start running again. I just want to be able to do what I want again - which will be after April 4, 2008, exactly six weeks from my surgery. I might be doing a run for cancer on April 5th, although I'm not so sure if I should start off like that.

I bought another $25 gift card for Joe Fresh with my PC Points. YAY! Can't wait to get my hands on some hot spring fashion items.

hypersensitive

Ok, so you know how excited I was about getting the feeling back in my nipples again? I actually thing that they are HYPERSENSITIVE. Turns out that while some women experience numbness in their nipples after breast reduction surgery a much less common side-effect is hypersensitivity. This, like numbness, also wears out in 6-12 weeks so that's kind of reassuring. It's my right nipple that's mostly hypersensitive, my left one feels okay.

They are starting to look less "uglier". I'm glad I didn't have to deal with any bruising and stuff...yet. I don't think I'll have to at this point. I am looking forward to being able to resume normal activities like running, picking up heavier things (and being able to do groceries on my own, although it's nice to have a friend help out with that, I totally appreciate it).

Also, I don't remember if I mentioned this already. I don't think that I am a C cup - I'm pretty sure that I am a D cup - which I am learning to accept. They look fine and very proportional to my body which is what I wanted. I feel very comfortable in my own skin now, way more than I did before! So thank goodness for that.

I'm forgetting what it was like before. That feels good.

2 weeks

Tomorrow it will be two weeks since the surgery. Wow. My healing process has been so great - my breasts are starting to take some decent, "normal" form and shape, I've gotten all feeling back in my nipples already, my stitches are dissolving, I've been sleeping on my side and best of all I can now have a drink or two :). I've been taking pictures to keep track of the process, it will be really neat to see the progress over the next few months.

I didn't take enough before pictures, I wish I did but that's okay. I'm definitely forgetting what it was like to be a 32H. It's strange, but very good. I feel like this is so right. This is how it SHOULD be and now it finally is. It's been such a great experience so far, I'm so glad I made this decision.

On a side note, I am getting tired of wearing the surgical bra, I just want to start wearing the fun bras already! But all in good time. I'm so happy to be where I am today. Just this past summer this was nothing but a vague idea and now it's all done and over with, for the most part anyway. It's been just over four months since I made up my mind about this. That's a pretty short time now that I think about it. But when you know it's time it just is. Things worked out so well and God was definitely moving things along flawlessly. It's amazing when you know that you're being taken care of and I've definitely been feeling that way. This is would be such a hard thing if there had been complications or issues and there have been ZERO. None, whatsoever. I am so thankful for that.

love it

OK. so the last post i accidentally posted on my "real" blog. It's not the latest blog site I've been using but people still visit it i guess because someone had commented on it. I always contemplated using firefox for my normal blog and IE for this one but I figured I was too cautious to mess up. BLAH!! And obviously the day I mess up someone actually reads my blog. And a boy at that. A boy from church. Great. Got some damage control to do. Or maybe I should just totally ignore it ever happened. I am too embarrassed. Whatever. I'm glad I had a panic attack only 24 hours later and removed it before another pair of innocent eyes had to read about how my nipples are doing after surgery.

Speaking of my nipples....I CAN FEEL THEM! I just realized this a few minutes ago. Not just from the inside but when I touch them! Wow. Wasn't expecting this for a few more weeks! This is such good news. I'm happy the healing is going so well!

The post-op appointment went well. Doc said I could sleep on my side and also have a drink ;). Everything is going well he said. ALTHOUGH, he did have to do some "draining" today. Apparently I had some fluid collect on the sides on my breasts and and he had to use this syringe to take it out. It looked big but I hardly looked to see what it was, I was too nervous. I could hardly feel anything when he drained out my right breast but the left one hurt. It's a necessary evil, I suppose.

Anyway. It seems the healing is all going as predicted. Doc said he got my pathology back today and that it was normal - I have no clue what that means but it sounds good.

Ok. So I am definitely liking my breasts more and more everyday. They are also starting to look bigger and bigger to me everyday. That's probably because they're starting to take shape and form now. They look different than when I first saw them.

My bye-bye-boobies buddy and I went shopping on Sunday for a bit. And we tried on a few clothes. I was upset for a bit because I tried to wear this tube top and my breasts were too big for the medium. What. the. heck. Which is what makes me think that maybe I'm not flat-chested after all. In fact, I'm still well endowed. But I like them. I'm starting to love them and it feels good to feel good about them :). Wearing clothes and not having to worry about cleavage anymore. People have said that my posture is already much better! I feel lighter. It's great.

The scars are also doing ok. Apparently the stitches I have are dissolvable so that makes things easier! One of the things I was nervous about was the fact that I might lose feeling in my nipples. But I don't think that is going to happen to me. I get spurts of feeling in my nipples - but they're from the inside (it's hard to explain). I don't feel them when I touch them, but I get feeling in them. Probably the nerves or something. And they also react when I'm cold, which is an excellent sign of good healing I think.

I have my second post-op appointment tomorrow. I'm hoping to ask the doc if I can start sleeping on my side; I've been sleeping on my back for DAYS! The last time was the day before my surgery. I've stopped sleeping elevated as of yesterday and I feel fine. But anyway, more to come after tomorrow!

no, not yet.

I'll have to be honest. I don't LOVE my boobs yet. Not yet. But today for the first time I LIKED them. I honestly expected to LOVE the girls right off the bat. But it's been anything but that. Struggling with them physically and emotionally has been the trend so far. But today I decided I was going to make an effort and go out. Look good. And with my clothes on, after I got over how different they looked, I thought to myself "They don't look so bad. They look proportional! They look good!". It was the first time I didn't feel flat-chested. It felt good to feel good about them. I'm not where I would like to be in terms of how I feel about my breasts yet BUT I am getting there. And that's exciting.

closer look...

[day 6 post op]

Ok. So I had a closer look at the girls today. I had to go to Dr. Sean Rice to take off/change the dressing and the nurse let me look at them dressing-free. Oh boy. They did not look pretty. I felt ok about them yesterday but today was so not the case. There was some extra skin at the bottom of the breasts which the nurse referred to as the "nubbins" (how lovely) - she said that they would definitely go away in a few months. I wish they would go away now. Not that they show when I'm wearing a bra but just knowing they're there makes it very unpleasant.

My nipples definitely looked very very WEIRD. Probably because of the stitches and stuff. But kind of wrinkly and shrunken- that's the best way I can think of describing them. But that's all normal apparently. She took off the dressing and put on little tape stuff on the stitches (around my nipple and down my breasts) and gave me some gauze to put on over it to protect it from the bra. Apparently it's normal for me to see the stitches split over the next few days and apparently it's normal to see yellow stuff come out (YUCK!!). I got some polysporin to apply over the wounds, hopefully that helps with the scarring too.

Nurse said that they will look smaller after a few months, drop a little (they look abnormally perky right now), and take a much better shape. Consoling. Or should be anyway. But I'm still adjusting, still taking it all in.

The pain has been pretty minimal today. I only took one pain killer today which was good. And this is probably in the zone of over-sharing but if you know me you know I'm pretty open about this (and I know you LOVE me for it hahah) so here goes: I went "number 2" for the first time today since before my surgery. So gross eh. But I think that's normal because of the meds. It was just such a relief to get it over it! Poo is only good when it's all out, that's all I have to say.

Oh and after I got home after the appointment and tried on some of my shirts, tops and dresses. Oh my word. I look SO small. So flat. I couldn't get over it. I know this is what I signed up for. But seriously I didn't think it would look this different. It's definitely going to take getting used to. It's still a good change, I know it, but it seems like the adjustment period is going to be different/longer than I thought. At this point I've already started thinking "Thank goodness for padded bras!", "Maybe I should have asked to be a bit bigger" etc. I know I've made the right choice. I know it. It's just kind of rough believing it right now.

How great would it be if I could just skip this whole healing process? Although I know I'll miss out on some great things that I am meant to learn/glean from all of this. So maybe it wouldn't be so great to skip it afterall. I can already see this affecting my identity - going out sometime this week, seeing familiar faces looking at me in an unfamiliar way. Because in a way I am unfamiliar. That's going to be...something. I look forward to seeing people and "getting it over with" - not in a bad way but I just want to get there already.

I'm a big hurry eh? I just want to be everywhere already, feel everything, and move on already. This is really forcing me to slow down, take it easy and think about things. Think about me, see me, differently. It'll be neat getting a new and closer look at ME.

first viewing.

Day 5 post-op.

I'd decided I was going to take a shower today, and consequently take a look at my breasts. I'd been nervous all day. I took the surgical bra off and starting taking off the dressing slowly. I was prepared for the worst: bruises, discoloration, inflammation, lots of blood etc. And all I saw was blood. Around the nipple and down the breast in a line from the nipple. That's normal I think, that's where the stitches are. My nipples looked a little weird, don't know if that is entirely normal. But as far as the first viewing went I did ok. I was little shaky for a few minutes but I didn't feel much. Which is ok. Maybe I'll feel something later, maybe I won't. But I am ok. And I think that's ok.

My breasts were so small. Well, much smaller than I ever remember them being. And so freaking perky. I can't remember them ever not racing their way to hang down to my stomach every time I took my bra off. They just stood there.

Bloody. Perky. Small. Nothing I didn't expect.

Can't say I'm not happy with the results. I am. They're not so small as to make me think I made a mistake. Not so big as to make me think all this didn't make a difference. Small enough to make a difference, big enough so I've still got a handful.

I'm doing ok. I feel good about it.

I wish I didn't have to be so uncomfortable. I'm so sick of lying/sitting in the same position that last 5 days. I'm going to my doctor's office tomorrow to change the dressing and whatever else they need to do. And I am looking forward to some fresh air.

I'm weening myself off of the Tylenol 3's. They definitely had me on a high these past 4 days. I babbled a lot of stuff to my mom I normally wouldn't. Mostly funny things, but private nonetheless. But things have mostly been blurry. I am so thankful for the people that came by. It was SO nice to see some lovely familiar faces.

Mostly I'm just so glad that my sister and mom were around for all of this. I don't know how I would have managed without them.

More to come after tomorrow :).

day 2

I had my surgery yesterday. I showed up at the hospital at around 6:30 and started getting prepared for the operation - checking weight and blood pressure, getting all marked up etc. When I was lying down in the surgery room I was a little scared and almost cried. But they gave me the anesthesia and I was totally out. I remember waking up hiccuping, that was kind of strange. But yesterday after I got home and yesterday I felt really good. My appetite was great - I ate as though nothing had changed. It was great.

But then later on during the day I noticed that there was blood underneath my left breast and I also noticed that it was swollen more. When I lifted my bra some other liquid other than blood came out. I looked at the post-op instructions they said that if there was assymetrical swelling and pus (which is what I assumed that non-blood fluid was) I should go to emergency. And that's what I did - I waited in emerg for over 4 hours until someone could see me only to tell me that I was fien and that this was normal. Thank goodness. Although I was pretty pissed that the post-op instructions didn't detail those problems. But whatever, better safe than sorry right?

Today was much harder than yesterday. I guess because I was in emerg all night and didn't what much and continued to take my Tylenol 3 on an empty stomach I was so sick. I threw up whenever I ate, not fun at all. Then finally my sister went to get me some gravol and I've been feeling much better since.

So that was all that was kind of negative. It's definitely worth it though. My boobs look so small even with the dressing on. When I am lyging down I can actually see my stomach beyond my boobs. Something I haven't been ablt to do in years. It felt so good. I am really happy with the size so far, although I'm not sure exactly things will look after the swelling and stuff has subsided. I am not ready to take a look at them yet though.When the emergency doctor was looking at them yesterday I covered my eyes with my hospital gown because I don't think I can bear to look at the state of my breasts right now. Although my friend who got hers done on tuesday came over today and she looked amazing and SO happy with her size. And she took a shower so she actually had a look at her breasts and said that they were ok to look at, she was tempted to get emotional but the fact that they are the size she wanted them to be the stitched and scars didn't get to her that much. I really hope I feel the same way.

But yes, I have been doing ok so far. I have my sister and mom taking care of me which I am SO thankful for. I honestly don't know how I could have gotten through it without them by my size helping me out with absolutely everything. They are really awesome.

Anyway, this is it for now. I'm starting to get tired again and sleepy (probably the gravol - which I recommend people take from the start if they are doing this surgery even if they don't feel nauseous to begin with. My friend who got it done suggested that that was necessary and I agree with her!).

I will continue to update on my progress every few days.

this is it.

In 12 hours I'm going to be at North York General ready to be put to sleep for my surgery. 12 more hours. Wow. I can't believe that the day is almost here. Today is the last time I look the way I have been for the past few years. It was interesting picking a bra to wear today. It took me a while. The last time I wear my 32 H bras. I chose to wear my black one with pick lace - it makes me feel good. :).

I'm starting to get nervous about the surgery now. I haven't done anything this serious to my body ever and I know it's going to be painful. I'm starting to get butterflies in my stomach. And I almost want to doubt but I know this is the RIGHT thing for me and the right TIME. In 12 hours.

I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 tomorrow and then it all begins. I went to visit my friend who got it done and she looked good. A little pale from the process of the surgery and she said that the pain wasn't as bad as she expected and that the process wasn't as bad as she expected either. Apparently Dr. Sean Rice was with her throughout the process and came to check up on her three time after. I feel so good about the surgeon we chose.

Anyway, this is it for a week or so I think. I will definitely be updating this more after the surgery is done and I can type again. Pray for me guys :).

the brown girl with the big boobs.

Everyone wants to be remembered. During one of the last days of high school a girlfriend and I were having a conversation: what/how we thought people would remember us. And I couldn't think of anything for myself and my friend goes "Duh, the brown girl with the big boobs."

The Brown Girl with the Big Boobs.

This morning I felt something different. My hands went up to a part of my body that will be half the size in two days and part of me felt like it was mourning already. For such a long time my breasts have been a huge (no pun intended) part of my identity (which was not intended). I spent a lot of today feeling weird. Not in a "I wanna back out of this" kind of way, but "this is going to be really different" kind of way. There's no way I can fully describe or articulate what was going on but I'm going to try.

There were lies bouncing around in my head all day. They almost seem like silly things: I was telling a friend I've felt like I've never had a problem standing out because of my chest, or girlfriends have always said things like "Oh your man is going to be SO lucky" (with reference to my H cups), or the fact that I live in a culture that values what I have as an asset to physical beauty. At one point the thought "Well, what now, Pri. What's going to be so special about you now?" It took me off guard. And for the first time I felt just a little scared. Not because I'm going under the knife, I wasn't scared about that at all (yet), but because I didn't know what things are going to be like. Because then I'd be just The Brown Girl. And I thought "That's not good enough." I felt so plagued and ashamed by these shallow but scarring thoughts. It was not a day for pleasant thoughts.

But thank goodness for friends. Thank goodness for The Truth. Thank goodness that I have someone who was, is and ALWAYS will be enthralled by my beauty because He made me that way, because He made me in his image. And image that is perfect and pleasing to God no matter what. Today would have been much scarier if I didn't have Jesus. It's unbelievable easy to get caught up in the worldly view of beauty. It is so easy to let the world tell you who you are and what you are worth. I've fallen into that trap numerous time and something tells me this won't be the end BUT the good thing about this Truth, about Jesus, is that it's not going anywhere. So no matter how bad or good I feel about my physical beauty I know what's real and I know what matters and that definitely does not include my cup size.

In this moment, this brown girl with big boobs doesn't care how anyone remembers her. Not because she will soon be just the brown girl (which is great, brown girls are freaking awesome) but because she has so much more to her than the world tells her she does. And thank GOD for that.

So that was an uplifting end to a sort of hard day. It might be a weird process going through this, and I am so glad that I have my girlfriends and my family with me. It means so much that I can talk to my friends and really be honest about how I am feeling and receive nothing but love and truth from them. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for being there - I am so unbelievably excited for this and I am now also beginning to see the kind of healing that Jesus intends to bring into my life. This is going to be quite a ride.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My buddy who was doing the surgery "with me" had it done today and I am extremely excited for her. She's recovering and for those of you who want please do pray for a smooth recovery for my dear friend!

so close!!

17 days 10 hours and 52 minutes as I write this. Pretty wild.

Today I went to see Dr. Sean Rice again. We talked a little more, he gave me instructions for the night before (no eating/drinking after midnight). I have to be in hospital at 6:30 - brutal, but worth it. I also had to get a surgical bra. It's stretchy all over except for the band that goes around my back. Apparently after the surgery they put saran wrap (along with the other stuff they need to put, surgical dressing etc) over my boobs. Weird. Well, whatever works I guess.

A couple more weeks to the bye bye boobies party - pretty excited about that :)!

My mom is coming to take care of me. She gets here Thursday night (my surgery is the next morning). She's staying with me for 10 days, so it should be good.

This is it for now. I have to call North York General and book a post-op appointment. There are way too many of these appointments.

Breast size may indicate diabetes risk

According to this I have a higher risk of diabetes...grrreeeaat. It also runs in my family I think. And apparently getting a breast reduction isn't really a solution. Darn it all.

1 month

As I type this there are 31 days and 8 hours left to my surgery. It's so surreal. 5 months from conception to reality - I love how fast things can move. I am so excited that the 10 days that I have for reading week will be a time of rest and of change. It's hard to speculate how different I'll feel or look at this point, although those who have gone ahead of me with this surgery say it's going to be awesome. I have been thinking about this surgery so much. I just want for Feb 22nd to be here NOW! Although I know that this time of preparation is important. I feel like the time I have is long enough for me to prepare myself and short enough that I don't go crazy waiting. And it's been great anticipating this event with my dear friend (who will be saying bye bye to her boobies just 3 days before I will). I think this would have been a different experience if i didn't have the kind of support I have now with a buddy.

Speaking of support - my mom is coming to take care of me for 10 days. Although she doesn't really agree with the surgery (the timing mostly, that and she doesn't get why I would want to) she still wants to take care of me. I think I'm starting to appreciate more and more the idea of having her around when I'm recovering. I hope this will be an opportunity for her to really get why I am doing this and also a time for us to bond. We shall see how it goes.

my next appointment is on Feb 4th. And then after that the next time I see my doctor it will be in North York General for my surgery. 1 month. Wow. Wow.Wow. I cannot wait.

More Advice from "C"

Here is some more advice from another friend of a friend. It was fantastic how helpful people were. They were more than willing to help - so thankful!

"I did get OHIP coverage because I was 14! If you talk to your Dr they can tell you if you will qualify for some, or all of your surgery.
I was a "E" cup and I went down to a C cup. I thought at first this was too small, but it is just about adjusting to your new body...just like you did as a teen! I am actually now a D cup. But you have to remember I was 14 when I got my breast reduction. I had and have a lot of muscle underneath my breast. I have very good pectoral muscles and a strong upper body (I was a swimmer at the time and I continue to swim and until recently was a competitive cheerleader). I would suggest starting a fitness regime that includes lots of upper body work, free weights, bench press, pushups etc.

My surgeon was Dr. Mohamed Elmaraghy...he is amazing, a great surgeon and I absolutely recommend him.
I didn't see anyone except Dr. Elmaraghy because he is one of the BEST in all of Ontario. Your Dr has to recommend you to a surgeon but I don't know if you have a choice. If you don't like a specialist, I guess you could wait even longer.

My surgery was actually done within months of me booking an appointment; this is really quickly. It can take almost a year sometimes. I got my surgery within 2.5 months. This may have because of how young I was.

Something you should know about surgery specific questions; I heal abnormally fast and I have high pain tolerance. I was also very young so that might have helped my recovery time. I also take really bad reactions to the drugs they use to put you under.

The surgery is supposed to be day surgery, you are supposed to leave the next morning. I was so sick from going under I couldn't keep down water, I was very illl, but not from the actual surgery. I stayed an extra day, or it could have been two (it's been a long time).

They give you painkillers, I was on morphine. It knocked me out really hard so I tried not to take it as much as possible; same goes for the T3's they gave me afterwards (I didn't actually finish the whole prescription).

I mostly had a dull throbbing pain, and not a sharp stabbing pain. The part that actually hurt the most was the part where they removed the drains. It was only supposed to feel like a tube being removed from your body, it wasn't supposed to hurt again. I heal really quickly so I had actually already started healing to the tubes, which means it REALLY hurt when they took them out. This is unusual.

I had no complications, but I did have 2 (of hundreds) infected stitches, which were cut out of my body (a little uncomfortable, not a big deal).
What they do is they cut all the way around the base of your breasts and they actually remove your nipples. This means you have a lot stitches to look after and one possible problem is that your nipples actually die, they don't graft back. My nipples are fine, I still have feeling. The one thing that did bother me is that my nipples stretched a bit, this is something that I notice. However, my fiance says they look "normal" (not that you need to know that but I just mention that as a second opinion, I am not trying to over share).
One thing that helped my recovery time is that my mom took great care of me. I actually was out of school Monday-Thursday and returned to school on Friday, but took the next Monday off (someone walked into me in a hall....that hurt). You go for two check ups after the surgery but I don't feel like that is enough. I heal really well and do not scar...I have nearly NO scars. But I also think that is because my mom changed my dressings everyday, made sure everything was sterile and we used polysporin. We used q-tips to get the medication where it actually needed to be. I was fully healed within a month.
I have no idea what costs were involved, my parents paid for me to have a private room, I missed some school and there were some medical supplies, polysporin, sterile pads, the prescription for T3's.

I am not sure how people reacted after they saw me, plus I was in highschool and kids in highschool are jerks. I know that people said stuff about me and I know that people with no life still mention it. However, I am not the type of person who cares in the least what randoms think about me.
Besides the rude people who said things or were crude were the same people who were mean and crude before the surgery. I wouldn't worry about what other people think. It is about your body and your health!

One thing to think about, you might not be able to breast feed after the surgery, if you don't bind your chest, they will stretch out again. This isn't a problem for me as I am NOT going to breast feed and probably couldn't do to the amount of tissue that was removed. "