no, not yet.

I'll have to be honest. I don't LOVE my boobs yet. Not yet. But today for the first time I LIKED them. I honestly expected to LOVE the girls right off the bat. But it's been anything but that. Struggling with them physically and emotionally has been the trend so far. But today I decided I was going to make an effort and go out. Look good. And with my clothes on, after I got over how different they looked, I thought to myself "They don't look so bad. They look proportional! They look good!". It was the first time I didn't feel flat-chested. It felt good to feel good about them. I'm not where I would like to be in terms of how I feel about my breasts yet BUT I am getting there. And that's exciting.

closer look...

[day 6 post op]

Ok. So I had a closer look at the girls today. I had to go to Dr. Sean Rice to take off/change the dressing and the nurse let me look at them dressing-free. Oh boy. They did not look pretty. I felt ok about them yesterday but today was so not the case. There was some extra skin at the bottom of the breasts which the nurse referred to as the "nubbins" (how lovely) - she said that they would definitely go away in a few months. I wish they would go away now. Not that they show when I'm wearing a bra but just knowing they're there makes it very unpleasant.

My nipples definitely looked very very WEIRD. Probably because of the stitches and stuff. But kind of wrinkly and shrunken- that's the best way I can think of describing them. But that's all normal apparently. She took off the dressing and put on little tape stuff on the stitches (around my nipple and down my breasts) and gave me some gauze to put on over it to protect it from the bra. Apparently it's normal for me to see the stitches split over the next few days and apparently it's normal to see yellow stuff come out (YUCK!!). I got some polysporin to apply over the wounds, hopefully that helps with the scarring too.

Nurse said that they will look smaller after a few months, drop a little (they look abnormally perky right now), and take a much better shape. Consoling. Or should be anyway. But I'm still adjusting, still taking it all in.

The pain has been pretty minimal today. I only took one pain killer today which was good. And this is probably in the zone of over-sharing but if you know me you know I'm pretty open about this (and I know you LOVE me for it hahah) so here goes: I went "number 2" for the first time today since before my surgery. So gross eh. But I think that's normal because of the meds. It was just such a relief to get it over it! Poo is only good when it's all out, that's all I have to say.

Oh and after I got home after the appointment and tried on some of my shirts, tops and dresses. Oh my word. I look SO small. So flat. I couldn't get over it. I know this is what I signed up for. But seriously I didn't think it would look this different. It's definitely going to take getting used to. It's still a good change, I know it, but it seems like the adjustment period is going to be different/longer than I thought. At this point I've already started thinking "Thank goodness for padded bras!", "Maybe I should have asked to be a bit bigger" etc. I know I've made the right choice. I know it. It's just kind of rough believing it right now.

How great would it be if I could just skip this whole healing process? Although I know I'll miss out on some great things that I am meant to learn/glean from all of this. So maybe it wouldn't be so great to skip it afterall. I can already see this affecting my identity - going out sometime this week, seeing familiar faces looking at me in an unfamiliar way. Because in a way I am unfamiliar. That's going to be...something. I look forward to seeing people and "getting it over with" - not in a bad way but I just want to get there already.

I'm a big hurry eh? I just want to be everywhere already, feel everything, and move on already. This is really forcing me to slow down, take it easy and think about things. Think about me, see me, differently. It'll be neat getting a new and closer look at ME.

first viewing.

Day 5 post-op.

I'd decided I was going to take a shower today, and consequently take a look at my breasts. I'd been nervous all day. I took the surgical bra off and starting taking off the dressing slowly. I was prepared for the worst: bruises, discoloration, inflammation, lots of blood etc. And all I saw was blood. Around the nipple and down the breast in a line from the nipple. That's normal I think, that's where the stitches are. My nipples looked a little weird, don't know if that is entirely normal. But as far as the first viewing went I did ok. I was little shaky for a few minutes but I didn't feel much. Which is ok. Maybe I'll feel something later, maybe I won't. But I am ok. And I think that's ok.

My breasts were so small. Well, much smaller than I ever remember them being. And so freaking perky. I can't remember them ever not racing their way to hang down to my stomach every time I took my bra off. They just stood there.

Bloody. Perky. Small. Nothing I didn't expect.

Can't say I'm not happy with the results. I am. They're not so small as to make me think I made a mistake. Not so big as to make me think all this didn't make a difference. Small enough to make a difference, big enough so I've still got a handful.

I'm doing ok. I feel good about it.

I wish I didn't have to be so uncomfortable. I'm so sick of lying/sitting in the same position that last 5 days. I'm going to my doctor's office tomorrow to change the dressing and whatever else they need to do. And I am looking forward to some fresh air.

I'm weening myself off of the Tylenol 3's. They definitely had me on a high these past 4 days. I babbled a lot of stuff to my mom I normally wouldn't. Mostly funny things, but private nonetheless. But things have mostly been blurry. I am so thankful for the people that came by. It was SO nice to see some lovely familiar faces.

Mostly I'm just so glad that my sister and mom were around for all of this. I don't know how I would have managed without them.

More to come after tomorrow :).

day 2

I had my surgery yesterday. I showed up at the hospital at around 6:30 and started getting prepared for the operation - checking weight and blood pressure, getting all marked up etc. When I was lying down in the surgery room I was a little scared and almost cried. But they gave me the anesthesia and I was totally out. I remember waking up hiccuping, that was kind of strange. But yesterday after I got home and yesterday I felt really good. My appetite was great - I ate as though nothing had changed. It was great.

But then later on during the day I noticed that there was blood underneath my left breast and I also noticed that it was swollen more. When I lifted my bra some other liquid other than blood came out. I looked at the post-op instructions they said that if there was assymetrical swelling and pus (which is what I assumed that non-blood fluid was) I should go to emergency. And that's what I did - I waited in emerg for over 4 hours until someone could see me only to tell me that I was fien and that this was normal. Thank goodness. Although I was pretty pissed that the post-op instructions didn't detail those problems. But whatever, better safe than sorry right?

Today was much harder than yesterday. I guess because I was in emerg all night and didn't what much and continued to take my Tylenol 3 on an empty stomach I was so sick. I threw up whenever I ate, not fun at all. Then finally my sister went to get me some gravol and I've been feeling much better since.

So that was all that was kind of negative. It's definitely worth it though. My boobs look so small even with the dressing on. When I am lyging down I can actually see my stomach beyond my boobs. Something I haven't been ablt to do in years. It felt so good. I am really happy with the size so far, although I'm not sure exactly things will look after the swelling and stuff has subsided. I am not ready to take a look at them yet though.When the emergency doctor was looking at them yesterday I covered my eyes with my hospital gown because I don't think I can bear to look at the state of my breasts right now. Although my friend who got hers done on tuesday came over today and she looked amazing and SO happy with her size. And she took a shower so she actually had a look at her breasts and said that they were ok to look at, she was tempted to get emotional but the fact that they are the size she wanted them to be the stitched and scars didn't get to her that much. I really hope I feel the same way.

But yes, I have been doing ok so far. I have my sister and mom taking care of me which I am SO thankful for. I honestly don't know how I could have gotten through it without them by my size helping me out with absolutely everything. They are really awesome.

Anyway, this is it for now. I'm starting to get tired again and sleepy (probably the gravol - which I recommend people take from the start if they are doing this surgery even if they don't feel nauseous to begin with. My friend who got it done suggested that that was necessary and I agree with her!).

I will continue to update on my progress every few days.

this is it.

In 12 hours I'm going to be at North York General ready to be put to sleep for my surgery. 12 more hours. Wow. I can't believe that the day is almost here. Today is the last time I look the way I have been for the past few years. It was interesting picking a bra to wear today. It took me a while. The last time I wear my 32 H bras. I chose to wear my black one with pick lace - it makes me feel good. :).

I'm starting to get nervous about the surgery now. I haven't done anything this serious to my body ever and I know it's going to be painful. I'm starting to get butterflies in my stomach. And I almost want to doubt but I know this is the RIGHT thing for me and the right TIME. In 12 hours.

I have to be at the hospital at 6:30 tomorrow and then it all begins. I went to visit my friend who got it done and she looked good. A little pale from the process of the surgery and she said that the pain wasn't as bad as she expected and that the process wasn't as bad as she expected either. Apparently Dr. Sean Rice was with her throughout the process and came to check up on her three time after. I feel so good about the surgeon we chose.

Anyway, this is it for a week or so I think. I will definitely be updating this more after the surgery is done and I can type again. Pray for me guys :).

the brown girl with the big boobs.

Everyone wants to be remembered. During one of the last days of high school a girlfriend and I were having a conversation: what/how we thought people would remember us. And I couldn't think of anything for myself and my friend goes "Duh, the brown girl with the big boobs."

The Brown Girl with the Big Boobs.

This morning I felt something different. My hands went up to a part of my body that will be half the size in two days and part of me felt like it was mourning already. For such a long time my breasts have been a huge (no pun intended) part of my identity (which was not intended). I spent a lot of today feeling weird. Not in a "I wanna back out of this" kind of way, but "this is going to be really different" kind of way. There's no way I can fully describe or articulate what was going on but I'm going to try.

There were lies bouncing around in my head all day. They almost seem like silly things: I was telling a friend I've felt like I've never had a problem standing out because of my chest, or girlfriends have always said things like "Oh your man is going to be SO lucky" (with reference to my H cups), or the fact that I live in a culture that values what I have as an asset to physical beauty. At one point the thought "Well, what now, Pri. What's going to be so special about you now?" It took me off guard. And for the first time I felt just a little scared. Not because I'm going under the knife, I wasn't scared about that at all (yet), but because I didn't know what things are going to be like. Because then I'd be just The Brown Girl. And I thought "That's not good enough." I felt so plagued and ashamed by these shallow but scarring thoughts. It was not a day for pleasant thoughts.

But thank goodness for friends. Thank goodness for The Truth. Thank goodness that I have someone who was, is and ALWAYS will be enthralled by my beauty because He made me that way, because He made me in his image. And image that is perfect and pleasing to God no matter what. Today would have been much scarier if I didn't have Jesus. It's unbelievable easy to get caught up in the worldly view of beauty. It is so easy to let the world tell you who you are and what you are worth. I've fallen into that trap numerous time and something tells me this won't be the end BUT the good thing about this Truth, about Jesus, is that it's not going anywhere. So no matter how bad or good I feel about my physical beauty I know what's real and I know what matters and that definitely does not include my cup size.

In this moment, this brown girl with big boobs doesn't care how anyone remembers her. Not because she will soon be just the brown girl (which is great, brown girls are freaking awesome) but because she has so much more to her than the world tells her she does. And thank GOD for that.

So that was an uplifting end to a sort of hard day. It might be a weird process going through this, and I am so glad that I have my girlfriends and my family with me. It means so much that I can talk to my friends and really be honest about how I am feeling and receive nothing but love and truth from them. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for being there - I am so unbelievably excited for this and I am now also beginning to see the kind of healing that Jesus intends to bring into my life. This is going to be quite a ride.

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My buddy who was doing the surgery "with me" had it done today and I am extremely excited for her. She's recovering and for those of you who want please do pray for a smooth recovery for my dear friend!

so close!!

17 days 10 hours and 52 minutes as I write this. Pretty wild.

Today I went to see Dr. Sean Rice again. We talked a little more, he gave me instructions for the night before (no eating/drinking after midnight). I have to be in hospital at 6:30 - brutal, but worth it. I also had to get a surgical bra. It's stretchy all over except for the band that goes around my back. Apparently after the surgery they put saran wrap (along with the other stuff they need to put, surgical dressing etc) over my boobs. Weird. Well, whatever works I guess.

A couple more weeks to the bye bye boobies party - pretty excited about that :)!

My mom is coming to take care of me. She gets here Thursday night (my surgery is the next morning). She's staying with me for 10 days, so it should be good.

This is it for now. I have to call North York General and book a post-op appointment. There are way too many of these appointments.