the brown girl with the big boobs.

Everyone wants to be remembered. During one of the last days of high school a girlfriend and I were having a conversation: what/how we thought people would remember us. And I couldn't think of anything for myself and my friend goes "Duh, the brown girl with the big boobs."

The Brown Girl with the Big Boobs.

This morning I felt something different. My hands went up to a part of my body that will be half the size in two days and part of me felt like it was mourning already. For such a long time my breasts have been a huge (no pun intended) part of my identity (which was not intended). I spent a lot of today feeling weird. Not in a "I wanna back out of this" kind of way, but "this is going to be really different" kind of way. There's no way I can fully describe or articulate what was going on but I'm going to try.

There were lies bouncing around in my head all day. They almost seem like silly things: I was telling a friend I've felt like I've never had a problem standing out because of my chest, or girlfriends have always said things like "Oh your man is going to be SO lucky" (with reference to my H cups), or the fact that I live in a culture that values what I have as an asset to physical beauty. At one point the thought "Well, what now, Pri. What's going to be so special about you now?" It took me off guard. And for the first time I felt just a little scared. Not because I'm going under the knife, I wasn't scared about that at all (yet), but because I didn't know what things are going to be like. Because then I'd be just The Brown Girl. And I thought "That's not good enough." I felt so plagued and ashamed by these shallow but scarring thoughts. It was not a day for pleasant thoughts.

But thank goodness for friends. Thank goodness for The Truth. Thank goodness that I have someone who was, is and ALWAYS will be enthralled by my beauty because He made me that way, because He made me in his image. And image that is perfect and pleasing to God no matter what. Today would have been much scarier if I didn't have Jesus. It's unbelievable easy to get caught up in the worldly view of beauty. It is so easy to let the world tell you who you are and what you are worth. I've fallen into that trap numerous time and something tells me this won't be the end BUT the good thing about this Truth, about Jesus, is that it's not going anywhere. So no matter how bad or good I feel about my physical beauty I know what's real and I know what matters and that definitely does not include my cup size.

In this moment, this brown girl with big boobs doesn't care how anyone remembers her. Not because she will soon be just the brown girl (which is great, brown girls are freaking awesome) but because she has so much more to her than the world tells her she does. And thank GOD for that.

So that was an uplifting end to a sort of hard day. It might be a weird process going through this, and I am so glad that I have my girlfriends and my family with me. It means so much that I can talk to my friends and really be honest about how I am feeling and receive nothing but love and truth from them. Thank you for not judging me. Thank you for being there - I am so unbelievably excited for this and I am now also beginning to see the kind of healing that Jesus intends to bring into my life. This is going to be quite a ride.

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My buddy who was doing the surgery "with me" had it done today and I am extremely excited for her. She's recovering and for those of you who want please do pray for a smooth recovery for my dear friend!